Tag Archives: pizza

Servings and Portions

Nothing takes the fun out of food quite like dieting – and nothing takes the morale out of dieting than paying attention to serving size in order to determine your portions.  Let’s face it: serving sizes are nowhere near actual portion size.  Companies are really good at shrinking those numbers. Is your frozen pizza too many calories?  Well, what about half a slice?  Well, from now on, that’s a serving.

I’ve lost some weight this summer, but sometimes I allow myself a cheat or two with one serving of something sinful.  Today I wanted some Chewy Chips Ahoy!

A serving of Chewy Chips Ahoy is 2 cookies.  Each cookie is like 2 to 2.5 inches in diameter. Has anyone ever eaten just two of these?  They’re the same size as a Ritz cracker.  I might as well not have any if I’m just going to eat two!

I had four.

A suggested serving size of eggs is one egg.  One.  Who has “an egg” without having other things with it?

– “What’s for breakfast?”

– “An egg.”

Nobody Happy

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The phrase is Green EGGS and Ham!  People eat EGGS for breakfast!  Worse, eggs are PART of any respectable breakfast, let alone the main focus!  I crack two eggs into my fried rice recipe like it’s nothing!  I crack eggs into my french toast egg wash, and then I eat my french toast – WITH EGGS.  I haven’t used “egg” as a singular noun out loud in years!  I’ve used “egg” as in the substance… like you’d use water.  “Mix that with egg!”

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Apparently you’re just not supposed to eat pizza. “Well… maybe just one…”  Think again.  You eat one slice of pizza, and nutritionally you’ve eaten too much pizza, and you’re going to die.  (Real pizza, so don’t comment about any kind of cauliflower crust garbage.)  Pizza parties are for athletic events because only athletes can burn away the awfulness that pizza does to your body.

But restaurant portions are so huge!  How can they possibly do this?!

Let’s say you order a small order of McDonald’s fries. (Here I did research, but I’m not going to cite it here because it was really easy to Google.)  That’s about 230 calories and about 50 fries.  That’s about 4.6 calories a fry.  That’s 230 calories for roughly 2.6 ounces of food.

Yeah that’s right.  Mix THAT with an egg!

I dare you to look at the nutrition facts of Ritz crackers… AFTER you’ve eaten a roll.  Make sure you’re sitting down… which you probably will be if you’re eating a roll of Ritz.

It’s enough to make me want to sleep until tomorrow just so I don’t eat anything.

If we as human beings are supposed to abide by these serving sizes, then that restaurant Flames would have its owners answering to so many cases of accessory to murder.  Even in the prime of my eating days in college, during which I gained maybe 150 lbs, I could not finish something from Flames.

b908ebd8f9e447996c4c06fcd4a3d0a5And then the waiter always comes back talking about “Leave any room for dessert?”  How do they sell ANY dessert?  Can someone explain to me how somebody can have dessert here without having it as part of their plan from the get-go?  Plus, what are you supposed to eat here?  THEIR CAKES?!

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I refuse to Google the nutrition information, because I feel like even though it’s in my past, I might simply die just from acknowledging the number of calories that I ingested from this place.

5 Ways Pizza Restaurants Try to Rip You Off

Pizza is delicious… and honestly, not that hard to make.  Yet we still go out and pay $30.00 a pie for a decent pizza meal.  Prices are not the only way they try to get you, though!  Here are 5 more ways they try to get you!

1. The Pizza Lunch/Dinner Buffet

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The pizza buffet is a lie, and here’s why:

First of all, there is usually only one or two types of pizza out there.  One of these is usually cheese or a very skimpy pepperoni.  There are usually always breadsticks.  Your enemy in getting your money’s worth out of a pizza buffet are breadsticks and time.  The breadsticks are to fill you up while you’re waiting for the pizza you actually like to be made.  Time is your enemy because the longer you wait, the more likely your stomach will decide that two slices is enough carbs and you’re out of the game.

Considering how fast pizza places have to be, you’re telling me they can’t meet the demand of a buffet?  I watched as several popular pizza chains tried this on me.  There was always only one pizza out at any given time, but I was encouraged to fill myself on more bread while I waited.  By the time a pizza with any meat came out, very little time was left of the lunch buffet hours.

2. Stingy with the Toppings

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Especially on adding a topping.  What is it about adding sausage bits that suddenly makes every pepperoni need a personal force field?  Worse, sometimes you get a pizza rookie that puts all the ingredients in the middle of the pizza, making it nice and soggy while still ensuring the rest of the pizza lacks flavor.

3. The Special Dipping Sauce

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Breadsticks are pizza without the sauce, but you can buy the sauce to dip it in if you still want it to taste like pizza.

…or you can order a pepperoni pizza without the pepperoni, then pay for the pepperoni to be put on afterward!

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4. Pre-prepared Pizzas

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Ever find that your pizza tastes like it’s not cooked enough?  That’s because they’re supposed to be made to order, and yet often times before a busy day pizzas will be made and then pushed back into the refrigerator until it is needed.  However, this is not how the oven times are calculated, and this could result in a lack of crispness and some sogginess, not to mention an unevenly cooked pizza.

5. No Logic

So let’s say a pizza place charges per topping, and then lets you know that toppings cost additional.  Let’s say you like the meatlover’s pizza, but you don’t like the hamburger meat.  So you ask them to substitute the hamburger with olives.  You know what you’re most likely to see?

A $1.00 charge for olives.

How does this even begin to make sense?  First of all, a meat is worth more than a vegetable as a topping, hands-down.  Second, by taking the hamburger away, that topping should be “on credit” and therefore not charge me.  “But sir, when I hit the button it charges you!”

Write on that receipt with a sharpie if you have to.  Don’t try to play helpless with me!

7-Eleven Pizza (Food Review)

Before I get into this review, I have to divulge some information.  Pizza is one of my favorite foods.  I consider myself a definite pizza expert when it comes to the pizza choices around me, and especially when it comes to the major chains out there.  I’m a major believer in all of the parts needing to be there: The Crust, The Sauce, The Cheese, The Toppings, and The Love.  That said, my expectations were not immense when conducting this review.  I eat Little Caesar’s now and then, and I was expecting about that caliber of a pizza pie.  I was pleasantly surprised by the presentation of the pizza.

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Not too bad.  It also smelled pretty amazing and pretty darn fresh!  So I was excited to get it home and to get into this bad boy.  I was pretty hungry, so I was expecting to enjoy myself regardless of quality.

No Crust

The crust gets a no.  It was soft, with no resistance as I bit into it.  If I have to say it explicitly, I will: The word Lunchable floated through my head.  This is often the part of the pizza that can save an experience.  To its credit, I didn’t taste a huge amount of grease, and the flavor profile was very similar to Papa John’s, which probably meant that the dough and everything was indeed fresh.  But the texture was wrong.  The Crust earns a score of “No.”

No Sauce

The sauce was there.  Well, there was a reddish liquid paste separating the cheese from the crust.  I didn’t taste a lot of grease in there or anything… but the sauce might as well have phoned it in, because there was no flavor in there whatsoever.  It was there to be a liquid in a sea of solids.  It was about as appetizing as it sounds.  The Sauce also earns a score of “No.”

No Cheese

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I know this is starting to sound like some kind of pizza nightmare.  The cheese is this kind of swimmy flavorless layer that separates you from the sauce… which really just separates the cheese from the crust.  I didn’t know you could feel disappointment by the slice.  The cheese stands alone.

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.. oh, I’m sorry, was that joke cheesy?  Good.  Something in this review should be.

No Toppings

The pepperoni had NO CRUNCH and NO SPICE.  WHAT?!

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Pepperoni with no flavor and no crunch?! Toppings are usually the part that gets too much emphasis!  Pepperoni with no flavor and no crunch is just roni.  I got no use for roni.  Roni is gross and disgusting.  Roni is the stuff people put in Subway sandwiches to make it a “spicy Italian.”  Roni causes violence in our streets.  The Roni gets a “No.”

No Love

Pizza is a social food. With each bite I could inexplicably feel myself losing Facebook friends.  Why did somebody approve pizza for 7-Eleven and then pay absolutely no attention to the execution?  I expect this silliness with some gas station offering it by the slice but if you’re going to sell whole pizzas across the street from Little Caesars I expect at least a written apology from you… or at least don’t try to hide the Lunchable logo on the box.

I’m a big guy, so it’s obvious I didn’t get this way by being a food snob.  You want to fool yourself with a pseudo-pizza? Get a Hot Pocket.  I’m going to give this a mathemagical score of 2 out of ten.

Thousand.  Ten-thousand.