Tag Archives: dinner

Slapfish – (Food Review)

Slapfish in Huntington Beach has some of the most delicious seafood experiences you could ask for.  Especially if you come during Slappy Hour, which is 3-5pm, and then 8 to Closing.  The wife and I were watching David So talk about it, which activated our own curiosity.  Being impulsive and adventurous as a couple, we simply had to go.

We ordered many things, so that we could get the full experience, as well as to justify the long distance.  This was also some photogenic food, so never fear.

First there was the free check-in special, which was some kind of chowder toast thing.  Not really impressive.

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Then came the chowder fries.  The chowder was okay, which oddly enough meant that the fries were the highlight of the dish.  They were crunchy and well-seasoned.  The chowder just kind of made them soggy.

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Value item of the day was definitely the Ultimate Fish Taco – $4.00 during Slappy hour.  The thing was HUGE!  I thought it just looked big, but then I tried to pick it up like a taco and it was heavy, and it held its own shape, because it was indeed a big old slab of fish.  Definitely go for this if you’re pinching pennies and wanting seafood.

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The clobster grilled cheese was deeeeeelicious!  Soft, tender morsels of lobster and crab, and they didn’t overdo the cheese, either.  It wasn’t too heavy.  Butter, bread, American cheese, lobster, crab, yes yum yum yum.  My wife and I were splitting everything so we could try a little of everything.  She offered me the rest of her half of this sandwich.  I replied, “Are you crazy, I’m not trying to die, we have all this food to cover!”  Weirdly though, it came out sounding like “Yes please yum nom nom mm so good I hope this never ends.”  Maybe I have a speech impediment.

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We only ate half of the surf and turf burger, which basically just tasted like a burger.  The flavor of the seafood didn’t feature unless the seafood morsels were eaten separately… which proved to be the way to go, because they were definitely good!

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But yo ho yo ho the best was yet to come!  The lobster grinder! Lobster, crab, and shrimp stuffed into a fresh, toasted, eggy and buttery brioche bun.  I doubted this dish because it looked small but I tasted it and now I believe.  This was 13.50.

lobstergrindr

So was this worth the many many miles we traveled to LA?  Having not tried it before, absolutely.  I wouldn’t go back for the sole purpose of going here, but if I’m ever nearby again I’m pretty sure some animal instinct in me would be able to detect it if I got within 5 miles.  I ate enough that I was significantly screwed up afterward.  My eyes glazed over and I fumbled with my words like I had just learned how to trace my name and had gotten lost on my way to the lego bucket.

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Such was my state that my wife thought that I hated the experience until I had recovered and was able to convey to her how much I had enjoyed myself.

Also, the servers were very nice and polite, and the food came out faaast… faster than it would take the average person to finish reading this article.  5 stars for that!  Way to earn the tip!

They also offer a soda fountain with pure cane sugar, but I didn’t partake because my wife wanted me to live.

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What Do I Think Heaven Looks Like?

My personal heaven would look like a Las Vegas buffet.  All the people you would want to eat with are at the food table, yet inexplicably there would be one space at the food table open for you to stand, seemingly in the middle of the line.  From that one space, all the food in your arms’ reach are your favorites (be it sushi, lobster, or Costco hot dogs), and waiting for you to load your tray (which is found under the table) is a small dish on which sit your own monogrammed serving utensils.  You could eat as much as you want, try other people’s favorites, talk and talk and never get sick.  You would just feel a satisfied, full feeling for the day.

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I would hang this sign in my bedroom if I had enough wall.

Details of this experience include:

  • no sticky fingers.
  • self-refilling beverages.
  • that food replicating trick Jesus did with the fish so you don’t really need to get up to refill your plate.
  • nothing stains. (Heaven is WHITE)
  • hair stays out of food.

Even though you’re dead, humans keep on creating neat things.  Heaven loves this, so of course there’s a flawless Wi-Fi connection available throughout paradise.  It may go out once a year, but everyone knows by then to wait 3 days before assuming it’s gone.  You could still watch all the latest movies that you missed out on by dying.  Your dog would eventually join you if it didn’t die first, and now you can feed it all the food you want to without ruining his health.

Everyone wears sandals, but you can’t stub your toes.

Hell would be the same buffet, but every time you try to get food, it’s just closing.  The Wi-Fi works, but you can only connect every 2 minutes, and it goes out every 4 seconds if you use up your 30-Day trial period, which started about 29 days before you died.

You always stub your toe.  No callus is built, it hurts like a virgin toe every time.

5 Ways Pizza Restaurants Try to Rip You Off

Pizza is delicious… and honestly, not that hard to make.  Yet we still go out and pay $30.00 a pie for a decent pizza meal.  Prices are not the only way they try to get you, though!  Here are 5 more ways they try to get you!

1. The Pizza Lunch/Dinner Buffet

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The pizza buffet is a lie, and here’s why:

First of all, there is usually only one or two types of pizza out there.  One of these is usually cheese or a very skimpy pepperoni.  There are usually always breadsticks.  Your enemy in getting your money’s worth out of a pizza buffet are breadsticks and time.  The breadsticks are to fill you up while you’re waiting for the pizza you actually like to be made.  Time is your enemy because the longer you wait, the more likely your stomach will decide that two slices is enough carbs and you’re out of the game.

Considering how fast pizza places have to be, you’re telling me they can’t meet the demand of a buffet?  I watched as several popular pizza chains tried this on me.  There was always only one pizza out at any given time, but I was encouraged to fill myself on more bread while I waited.  By the time a pizza with any meat came out, very little time was left of the lunch buffet hours.

2. Stingy with the Toppings

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Especially on adding a topping.  What is it about adding sausage bits that suddenly makes every pepperoni need a personal force field?  Worse, sometimes you get a pizza rookie that puts all the ingredients in the middle of the pizza, making it nice and soggy while still ensuring the rest of the pizza lacks flavor.

3. The Special Dipping Sauce

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Breadsticks are pizza without the sauce, but you can buy the sauce to dip it in if you still want it to taste like pizza.

…or you can order a pepperoni pizza without the pepperoni, then pay for the pepperoni to be put on afterward!

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4. Pre-prepared Pizzas

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Ever find that your pizza tastes like it’s not cooked enough?  That’s because they’re supposed to be made to order, and yet often times before a busy day pizzas will be made and then pushed back into the refrigerator until it is needed.  However, this is not how the oven times are calculated, and this could result in a lack of crispness and some sogginess, not to mention an unevenly cooked pizza.

5. No Logic

So let’s say a pizza place charges per topping, and then lets you know that toppings cost additional.  Let’s say you like the meatlover’s pizza, but you don’t like the hamburger meat.  So you ask them to substitute the hamburger with olives.  You know what you’re most likely to see?

A $1.00 charge for olives.

How does this even begin to make sense?  First of all, a meat is worth more than a vegetable as a topping, hands-down.  Second, by taking the hamburger away, that topping should be “on credit” and therefore not charge me.  “But sir, when I hit the button it charges you!”

Write on that receipt with a sharpie if you have to.  Don’t try to play helpless with me!

7-Eleven Pizza (Food Review)

Before I get into this review, I have to divulge some information.  Pizza is one of my favorite foods.  I consider myself a definite pizza expert when it comes to the pizza choices around me, and especially when it comes to the major chains out there.  I’m a major believer in all of the parts needing to be there: The Crust, The Sauce, The Cheese, The Toppings, and The Love.  That said, my expectations were not immense when conducting this review.  I eat Little Caesar’s now and then, and I was expecting about that caliber of a pizza pie.  I was pleasantly surprised by the presentation of the pizza.

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Not too bad.  It also smelled pretty amazing and pretty darn fresh!  So I was excited to get it home and to get into this bad boy.  I was pretty hungry, so I was expecting to enjoy myself regardless of quality.

No Crust

The crust gets a no.  It was soft, with no resistance as I bit into it.  If I have to say it explicitly, I will: The word Lunchable floated through my head.  This is often the part of the pizza that can save an experience.  To its credit, I didn’t taste a huge amount of grease, and the flavor profile was very similar to Papa John’s, which probably meant that the dough and everything was indeed fresh.  But the texture was wrong.  The Crust earns a score of “No.”

No Sauce

The sauce was there.  Well, there was a reddish liquid paste separating the cheese from the crust.  I didn’t taste a lot of grease in there or anything… but the sauce might as well have phoned it in, because there was no flavor in there whatsoever.  It was there to be a liquid in a sea of solids.  It was about as appetizing as it sounds.  The Sauce also earns a score of “No.”

No Cheese

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I know this is starting to sound like some kind of pizza nightmare.  The cheese is this kind of swimmy flavorless layer that separates you from the sauce… which really just separates the cheese from the crust.  I didn’t know you could feel disappointment by the slice.  The cheese stands alone.

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.. oh, I’m sorry, was that joke cheesy?  Good.  Something in this review should be.

No Toppings

The pepperoni had NO CRUNCH and NO SPICE.  WHAT?!

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Pepperoni with no flavor and no crunch?! Toppings are usually the part that gets too much emphasis!  Pepperoni with no flavor and no crunch is just roni.  I got no use for roni.  Roni is gross and disgusting.  Roni is the stuff people put in Subway sandwiches to make it a “spicy Italian.”  Roni causes violence in our streets.  The Roni gets a “No.”

No Love

Pizza is a social food. With each bite I could inexplicably feel myself losing Facebook friends.  Why did somebody approve pizza for 7-Eleven and then pay absolutely no attention to the execution?  I expect this silliness with some gas station offering it by the slice but if you’re going to sell whole pizzas across the street from Little Caesars I expect at least a written apology from you… or at least don’t try to hide the Lunchable logo on the box.

I’m a big guy, so it’s obvious I didn’t get this way by being a food snob.  You want to fool yourself with a pseudo-pizza? Get a Hot Pocket.  I’m going to give this a mathemagical score of 2 out of ten.

Thousand.  Ten-thousand.